My mate's missus left him last Thursday; she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad; I've been using that powdered stuff."
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality..."