My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.
My mate's missus left him last Thursday; she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad; I've been using that powdered stuff."
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality..."
A guy is driving around the back roads of Hertfordshire and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined MI6. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one believed a dog would be eavesdropping.
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a lots of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten quid,' the guy says.
'Ten quid?? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of those things.'
"When in Rome, do as the Roman's do" ... is probably a phrase most of these travellers haven't heard...!
Sent around from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the complaints during the season.
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
6. "The beach was too sandy."
7. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
8. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
9. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
10. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
11. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."
12. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."
13. "The roads were uneven.."
14. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
15. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
16. "The brochure states: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We are all trainee airdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
17. "There were too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
18. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
19. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
20. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
21. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbours' male dog while they were away on holiday.
She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me!" he replied.
Sooooo true. :o)
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Bugger!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, says the little old lady. You see, my back garden is right next to the football stadium car park. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and I say, '£20 or off it comes!'"
"OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck. Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot ...
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
The Official Male Sensitivity Test
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
c. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b. Your blood-test results.
c. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a. Your partner climaxes first.
b. You both climax simultaneously
c. You don't miss the start of the match.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a. Healthy, creative love-play.
b. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
c. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a. The best part of the experience.
b. The second best part of the experience.
c. £50 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
b. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
c. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a. A myth.
b. An oxymoron.
c. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a. An appetizer is to entree.
b. Primer is to paint.
c. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a. "I hope we can still be friends."
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b. Is uptight and a waste of time.
c. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy; you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times: "You DA MAN!!"
A man is at work one day and he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.