A young blonde was on holiday in Florida. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the shops there were asking for. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blond headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...
'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little b*****d.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog!
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition... £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, I got married last month.
Wife knows f*%$@£# everything!
Two young boys walked into a chemist one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these companies.
Cable TV 'Service'
City, Council and Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all they're doing to us.
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used his mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go."
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for CNN" , he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... You're NOT My Flight Instructor?"
Worst Day of His Life!
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big, trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his Mum and Dad got cozy, her son talked:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot. It's not ours," he shouted. "An ambulance just drove by! Looks like the Browns have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike! Looks like the Sanders are moving! Jason is on his skate board...."
It was quiet for a few moments. Then he announced, "The Coopers are screwing!!" Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know the Coopers are screwing?"
He replied, "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Will I Live To 80?
I recently chose a new doctor. After two visits and many exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I"ll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, or relaxing in the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you care?"
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a pound into a vending machine, and a Coca Cola comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won!